Chapter 12: Genuine feelings ①
Translator: Aafkee
Proofreader: ChaiTea
Chen Yifei stayed behind at the hospital until past nine. He gave Yan Yu a call while he was waiting for a taxi at the hospital entrance.
When the call connected, Chen Yifei asked, “You have arrived home, right?”
Yan Yu’s voice sounded unexpectedly exhausted, “I’m in the office.”
Chen Yifei asked, surprised, “For what?”
Yan Yu answered, “There is an emergency that I need to sort out.”
Chen Yifei was concerned, “What emergency? Do you need my help?”
“I’ll be done soon. You should go back,” Yan Yu replied.
And with that, Yan Yu hung up the phone. No matter what, Chen Yifei could not help but worry, so he ended up taking a taxi to the office instead. There were quite a few people still working overtime at this time. Chen Yifei walked straight to Yan Yu’s office and knocked on the office door.
Yan Yu said a quick “come in” and lifted his head. Seeing that it was Chen Yifei, Yan Yu sighed, “Didn’t I tell you to go back?”
Chen Yifei said, “I’ll feel sorry to return alone.”
Yan Yu felt endlessly agitated. He had wanted to use this emergency as an excuse to keep himself busy so as not to think about Chen Yifei -- in the end, Chen Yifei came running to him.
Yan Yu passed the documents to Chen Yifei and said rather reluctantly, “Help me finish this report first, then.”
Chen Yifei took the documents and returned to his office. Yan Yu tried to compose himself and continued with the current task at hand. But he slowly realised that he could not concentrate at all with Chen Yifei there as his attention would subconsciously go to him without him wanting it to.
Yan Yu finally could not endure it and, after ten minutes, he went to the toilet and washed his face with cold water, which helped in clearing his head. Just then, the phone in his pocket rang. Yan Yu took it out and had a look - it was a call from Guo Shengxing.
Guo Shengxing called to invite Yan Yu out for a meal, which Yan Yu agreed to without any hesitation. Yan Yu chatted with Guo Shengxing briefly until the latter suddenly asked, “Yan Yu, are you in a bad mood?”
Yan Yu was surprised, “You can tell?”
Guo Shengxing, “Don’t treat me as some sort of unrefined man. I can be quite sensitive, too. C’mon, tell me. What is it that has affected your mood this much? There’s nothing you can’t say to your best bud.”
Yan Yu was not someone who would keep secrets to himself. Unable to bear it himself, he ranted, “Alright, but you must not tell anyone else.”
“Don’t you worry,” Guo Shengxing assured him.
Yan Yu quietly admitted, “I have fallen in love with Chen Yifei.”
“...”
Guo Shengxing paused, only managing to find his voice after a moment. “Who?!” One could tell how low his jaw had dropped judging by his voice.
“You heard it right!”
Guo Shengxing swallowed, “...Chen Yifei?!”
“Yes.”
“Are you talking about the Chen Yifei I’m thinking about?” questioned Guo Shengxing.
Yan Yu exasperatedly demanded, “How many freaking Chen Yifeis do you know, huh?”
It seemed to have taken Guo Shengxing much effort to digest what Yan Yu had just said. “You’re bent*. Just like that? I was thinking of introducing someone to you, too…” his voice trailed off.
(T/N*: As in, no longer straight. Y’know.)
“Forget it. Stop teasing me.” Yan Yu said dejectedly, “I feel so vexed now.”
“Why? Isn’t Class President Chen your assistant?” Guo Shengxing continued, “You, literally, spend every day with him. There’re plenty of opportunities.”
“You aren’t wrong, but he probably has zero romantic interest in me.” Yan Yu explained, “We only had one bed the last time we were on a trip! But he did not utter a single word that would suggest that he minded it at all! How much doesn’t he care to be able to sleep on the same bed with me and not feel self-conscious?!”
“Yo… That really is…” Guo Shengxing was at a loss for words.
“Besides, I have already come clean with him and yet he’s refusing to acknowledge what I said, even pretending to not understand! He even stayed with his ex this afternoon. It was so stifling!” Yan Yu wailed.
“I can smell the jealousy even through the phone,” Guo Shengxing semi-teased.
Annoyed, Yan Yu replied, “I’m not an immortal. Any normal person would be jealous. But what rights do I have to be jealous of his ex? He didn’t even specify where he stands in this. What am I getting emotional all by myself for?”
“In my opinion, you should try harder and prove to him that you’re being serious.” Guo Shengxing pondered and continued, “You know this is not a normal circumstance. There’s a chance he thinks that you’re only playing around or only making this decision because you’re confused.”
Yan Yu slowly replied, “...That makes sense.”
“Seriously, though, you need to be sure that you’re not just playing around.” Guo Shengxing said seriously, “I know you won’t be happy about me saying this, but you need to ask yourself seriously.”
Yan Yu fell silent. He understood how this circle was not accepted by the majority. He was, also, at an age that was not suitable to play around anymore.
Yan Yu hung up the phone and returned to his office, only to find Chen Yifei brewing coffee. That slender hand held the coffee mug in front of Yan Yu and encouraged, “Freshen up.”
Yan Yu accepted it and took a sip. It was slightly bitter.
Chen Yifei suggested, “Restearly. You can always complete the rest tomorrow.”
Yan Yu tilted his head back and drank all the coffee in one go. If there was no alcohol to give him courage, he’d just have to make do with coffee. Yan Yu put down the mug and shouted at Chen Yifei’s back with ample confidence, “Chen Yifei, let’s date and give me a chance!”
Chen Yifei turned and stared at him, stupefied. He dropped his eyes after a beat, remaining silent.
Yan Yu added, “Chen Yifei, I’m being serious…”
Chen Yifei snapped, “I don’t want to talk about this in the office.”
Yan Yu ground out, “I’m your boss. If I tell you to talk about this; you will talk about this.”
Yan Yu had a very serious expression on his face when he said it. His tone of voice was similar to that of a superior. Other than the previous time when he criticised Chen Yifei, Yan Yu had never talked to Chen Yifei with this tone before.
Chen Yifei firmly replied, “I decline.”
Yan Yu felt a pang of pain in his heart. “Why?”
Chen Yifei asked directly, “Would you have fallen for me if I didn’t tell you about my sexual orientation? How do you know if your interest is temporary or not? Can you differentiate between dependency and love?”
Yan Yu was not dumb, but it felt like Chen Yifei spoke to him as if he was completely dense in the love and relationship department. Yan Yu replied, slightly angered, “And how do you know for sure whether or not I’m being serious?!”
“Yan Yu,” Chen Yifei said to him, his tone serious, “You’re no longer at the age where you can play around. There aren’t as many people as you think who would accept such a thing. Can you imagine how much you have to hide from how many people? I know how it feels to tolerate such things, but can you accept having a relationship that you can’t tell others about? Can you bear the stress?”
Yan Yu refuted, “How would you know whether or not I can bear it without trying?!”
It was clear from Chen Yifei’s expression that he was trying to control his anger. He demanded with a stern voice, “Why must I be the one you look for when you want to try things out? I am not a tool for you to use.”
Yan Yu was at a loss for words and his heart filled with anxiety. He was not as smart nor was he as good with words as Chen Yifei. He did not know what else he could say to accurately convey his feelings.
Chen Yifei finished, “I really don’t want to talk about this at work.”
They went straight back home after the argument. No one said a single word on their way back. Yan Yu did not want Chen Yifei to think of him as being unreasonable, so he controlled himself and kept quiet throughout the trip back home.
Chen Yifei stopped the car right at Yan Yu’s house’s entrance. Yan Yu alighted the car, but turned back to lean on the opened car window, unwilling to give up. “Chen Yifei, I like you.”
Chen Yifei’s heart tightened. He rolled up the window and drove away.
There were not many couples in this circle that could maintain their relationship until the end. Many people got sick of playing around when they were young and most would choose to marry as a ‘normal’ couple in the end.
Chen Yifei had already told his parents his decision not to marry his whole life, asking them to adopt if they wished to have grandchildren.
It took Chen Yifei’s parents five to six years to accept this reality. His relationship with his parents had finally turned for the better.
Chen Yifei was almost thirty. Although his parents did not say much in front of him, every time they met his cousins’ children, they would always wipe away their tears in secret.
Yan Yu arrived home and lay in bed, his mood gloomy.
Why was Chen Yifei so unwilling to trust him?
Yan Yu was not young anymore. Could he not make decisions for himself?
Yan Yu had a very open-minded family and he did not like children either, so he genuinely thought that there was not much for him to consider. There was nothing he needed to worry about if he was to date Chen Yifei.
Yan Yu let out a deep sigh and rolled over, staring at the other half of his bed.
How long had it been since he had someone sleeping on the other side of his bed?
Yan Yu stared blankly at the pillow beside him. His hand moved to unzip his slacks and reached in to comfort himself. Yan Yu curled up on the bed, exhaled softly, his hands rubbing non-stop at his arousal as his knees and legs tensed up, naturally.
Chen Yifei’s image flashed quickly across his mind. He had never seen Chen Yifei aroused before; nothing even close. There was no reference for Yan Yu to take from to fantasize about at all, not even Chen Yifei’s naked upper body. Chen Yifei had always been prim and proper in his shirt and slacks.
Yan Yu suddenly recalled the photo album named ‘Assistant’ on his phone. He opened it, his face flushing uncontrollably.
Lying on his back, Yan Yu gasped after he reached his climax. Despite having already released once, Yan Yu still felt suffocated in his heart.
He sat on his bed and daydreamed for a while after taking a shower. As if becoming determined all of a sudden, he went to his phone and searched up on how men make love with each other, only to give himself a shock by all the different GIFs and pictures that filled his screen when he entered one of the webpages.
Those shining white naked bodies together with those parts that were aroused… Yan Yu could not bear to see more. A man with fair and delicate skin was being thrust into from behind by another man vigorously, his expression clearly showed his indulgence in pleasure. Yan Yu quickly pressed the back button, but could not get out of the page no matter how many times he tried, leading him to close the browser directly, instead.
He must have gone mad to have searched for such things, Yan Yu thought. But he couldn't forget those images and they kept him awake all night.
When Chen Yifei arrived the next morning to fetch him, Chen Yifei unexpectedly found Yan Yu already awake, with a pair of dark circles under his eyes.
Chen Yifei frowned, “What’s wrong? You didn’t sleep well?”
Yan Yu sighed, “Yeah…”
Chen Yifei offered, “A cup of coffee?”
Yan Yu nodded. Chen Yifei placed a cup of freshly brewed coffee in front of him. Yan Yu stared at the rippling brown liquid in the mug, lifted his head and said, “Chen Yifei, let’s…”
Chen Yifei glared hard at him, a hint of impatience in his eyes.
Yan Yu swallowed the word ‘date’ forcefully, stopping himself and changed his words just in time, “... go to the 4S shop together.”
aiyo, I might just be overcautious but why do I have a feeling that tab he left would pit him when the time comes 😂
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